First there was Amerigo Vespucci, then Lewis & Clark, and finally 20th century contemporaries such as Amelia Earhart, Tenzing Norgay, and Neil Armstrong. But as far as I know, none of them have embarked on the adventure I undertook this afternoon. We touched down in Redmond, Oregon before noon and would not depart until the following morning. The winds were gusting up to 30mph, so the 40 degree temps seemed a bit colder. Nevertheless, I needed to get lunch. First off, the only thing close to the hotel is an Applebee's, which always seems to be the beginning of a story that ends in, "...and then I had to get pulled from the trip for uncontrollable diarrhea."
As I got settled, I debated what to do. Here I was, with probably 10 hours to kill and nothing nearby to eat. The next closest places with food were a KFC, a Carl's Jr., and a McDonald's. I plugged them into Google Maps which said they were about 1.5 miles away. It was doable, even with the wind gusts. I've been in worse . . . and I'm looking at you Idaho Falls. As I set out on my journey, I had the spirit of the explorers in me, or perhaps more likely the guilt of eating more fast food. For just that morning, I had eaten a breakfast that consisted of a "Jumbo Poppyseed Muffin" and a "Big Cinnamon Roll" from the DinoMart next to the hotel. It's difficult to find quick food with any health benefits. Suddenly McDonalds became too much. If I doubled my distance, I could get to a Jimmy John's. At least on paper, it seemed a lot healthier, so I sallied forth with the wind at my sails and a great hunger in my gut.
Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Gosh that Brian is exaggerating his adventures these days. First he couldn't hack it in North Dakota and now we're hearing about a trip to Jimmy John's like it's a trek to the South Pole." Ah, but you haven't heard of the obstacles I faced! You see, Redmond is a town that has only begun to discover these newfangled things called sidewalks. Most of the journey, I had to walk on loose gravel and dirt. The distracted Oregonian drivers tended to drift onto the shoulder as they checked their cellphones for their latest Tindr matches or attempted to improve their score in Farmville. I gave them the stink eye as they dared not make eye contact with the person they nearly ran over. Then, to make matters worse I kept hearing sirens whizz around me. They fanned out in different directions as an Armored car trudged through fields next to me. Basically they were surrounding the area I was walking through, yet paid me no mind. Eventually a Sheriff with an M-4 slung over his shoulder inquired where I was off to. I pointed forward.
The officer nodded. He knew I was on an important mission. A few blocks later, I had arrived at my destination. There it stood -- majestically between a drive-thru Starbucks and a Mattress store. I walked in with an air of confidence. "#5 and a small drink, please." I ate my Vito sandwich with much celebration before getting up five minutes later and retracing my steps back to the Comfort Suites. When I finally got back, it was just about time to debate what the hell I was going to do for dinner.
...to be continued
