That's a big claim, Brian! Don't believe me? Just do a google search for the Newark airport's rating and you will find articles from JD Power, Forbes, or Travel & Leisure which ranked Newark the highest on the misery scale this year. Now, as you might imagine, there's a reason I'm writing this right now. For the record, I have always hated Newark since I first set foot in Terminal A more than twelve years ago. This was a time before the United / Continental merger, before TSA Pre-Check, and well before mobile boarding passes. And yet despite these improvements over the years, somehow Newark has actually gotten worse. Let's just go through the whole EWR experience from being dropped off at the curb to (hopefully) your departure. None of the terminals at Newark connect on the other side of security, so if you have to change planes between airlines, things are really going to suck for you because the security lines are the worst in the country.
Let's say you are being dropped off at Terminal C, the largest and most modernized of the terminals. There are multiple security checkpoints to handle the volume of passengers. Unfortunately for you, an angry TSA agent will yell at you and tell you to not use the checkpoint closest to your gate because it is closed for some inexplicable reason. You are then trapped in some no man's land that cannot access the other checkpoints because you will have to go either up or down to walk down to the next checkpoint. Not to worry, though, because the up or down decision will be made for you. At least one of the escalators will be broken. If you do end up going down, this might be your most successful option as the security line tends to extend into baggage claim particularly around holiday times. I am convinced that the whole reason TSA Pre-Check exists is because of the Newark airport. Yet even with Pre-Check, you will be putting in some time in a line. What makes this so confusing is that the Newark Airport is only the 14th busiest airport in the country, yet airports that make up the top three like O'Hare, Atlanta, or LAX somehow operate far more efficiently.Let's say you have pre-check. Congratulations! You've saved 50 + minutes waiting in line. You will be slowed down at the bin station for unforeseen reasons. As you approach the metal detector, an angry TSA agent will continuously yell, "WALK!!!" at everyone queuing up to walk through. Considering the speed at which you are requested to run through the metal detector, it is unknown why there is ever a security line. Also, the metal detectors are obviously turned off.
Finish your business in the bathroom? Congratulations! You are efficient! You got through security AND the restroom and didn't miss your flight? WOW! Off to the gate! Wanting to grab some food quick? Sorry, only iPad orders are available at sit down restaurants where you can order things like buffalo wings. There are no quick grab-and-go food items unless you walk to the far end of the United terminal by gate 130 where there's a Wendy's, and given what you've just gone through, you definitely do not have time for that. Ok, so hungry and exhausted, you arrive at the gate where they have finished boarding even though it's 45 minutes before your plane is scheduled to depart. The four gate agents working the flight are loudly talking about a passenger they don't like. If you have a confirmed seat, you are in decent shape as long as you were able to get to the gate more than 30 minutes before the plane was scheduled to leave. United gate agents in Newark love to close the door early.
Do you have a standby ticket to Los Angeles? Oh no. I'm so sorry. Gosh, that's . . . that's just terrible. You're flying standby on one of United's most profitable routes in the system. That means almost every flight is at capacity. But I get it, flights are expensive. Good luck. Those gate agents have called for final boarding. You are patiently waiting at the gate, checking your phone and the screen in case you are miraculously cleared. A woman and her very young daughter approach the gate because they were somehow split up and would like seats together. All four gate agents attack the problem by telling the woman they can't possibly do anything about it. No standbys have been called. You wait patiently because your employee travel manual tells you not to bother the gate agents while they're "working." Every other airport either calls you by name or clears you via a mobile app. Newark does not do this with any sort of consistency, so I hope you've pounded on the desk and reminded them that you're flying standby. Because if you've followed the rules of nonrev flying and were a patient, courteous, and non-intrusive passenger at the gate, they've already closed the doors and told you it was your fault that you didn't force the issue and throw yourself in front of the door. They let you know it's not their responsibility to clear standbys, similar to how it's not their responsibility to help the woman and her young daughter. The plane closes the door 40 minutes early with multiple seats open and standbys stranded at the gate. 8 passengers show up 30 minutes prior to departure, but the gate is already "closed," even though there is surely still a line of passengers slowly inching their way down the jetbridge. These passengers who were denied boarding are now competing with you for seats on the next flight, which is oversold. Your day will not improve. You will slowly begin to starve to death while soiling yourself due to the lack of bathrooms. Your name will slowly be transferred from one flight to the next. This is the only way anyone will ever know your name. Unfortunately, nobody will care because you're in New Jersey. Your humanity has been reduced to a standby listing that will likely never bear fruit. Over the airport PA, you hear your name called. A gate agent is doing their job! In the greatest of tragedies, you don't have the energy to get to the gate. A cart runs you over and your body is dragged past five gates. As if by miracle you see the LAX flight boarding right in front of you. You have been given a seat. You limp down the jetway, looking forward to any sort of sustenance even if it's just a small bag of pretzels.
You wait 50 minutes for the plane to push from the gate. The pilots tell you there's a maintenance issue, but claim it's been resolved and they're finishing up the paperwork. They push from the gate 35 minutes later. It's a sunny day, though light rain showers are forecast 8 hours from now. United operations in Newark blames the delay on weather. The control tower also delays all flights arriving/departing the airport due to strong winds and severe weather. The last recorded wind speed was 15 kts, a pretty average wind if there ever was one. You are #15 for departure. 38 passengers will miss their connection to Tokyo out of LAX. They will not be compensated with a hotel because the delay is on "weather." Two hours after it was supposed to depart, the 757 finally lifts off and climbs away from Newark in a sharp banking turn. A woman screams. A baby cries. A The pilots roll out of the turn. There is a single chime over the PA. They are soon out of Newark's airspace. At that moment, a silence falls upon the cabin. The woman has stopped screaming. The
Somewhere in 19A, an orthodox jew bites into his inflight meal and realizes it's not kosher. He laughs heartily at this misfortune. A woman in a hijab sitting next to him offers pita and hummus to the man. He graciously accepts and the two share earbuds and watch, "Into the Spider-Verse" together. Back in Basic Economy, a NYPD cop and a young man from Harlem swap their favorite Dad jokes. A middle-aged white man in a MAGA hat connects to the in-flight wi-fi and logs on to facebook. "Your argument contained so many valid points," he replies to his trans niece. "I can't believe I have been so narrow-minded in this regard. Look forward to seeing you at the lake this summer! I promise to stop posting right-wing memes, LOL."One must experience the ultimate low that is Newark Liberty International in order to reach the nirvana that is physically leaving Newark Airport. It is a feeling that cannot be disregarded. One emerges a more thoughtful, kinder, better person. While I wouldn't wish for my worst enemies to go through Newark, I will know that if they emerge intact on the other side, they will no longer be my enemies. Namaste.
